


If Only

by Angelinee



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: F/M, Yousana is killing me, idk what this is, kinda sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-11-07 05:46:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11052567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelinee/pseuds/Angelinee
Summary: If only, if only. Things could be different, if only things were different.





	If Only

It starts with longing looks, looks that leave Sana with chills. She can practically feel his gaze leaving a hole in her skin. She can feel the intensity, the desperation, the guilt. It all radiates off of him and it's all too easily found in his constant staring. 

She doesn't understand anymore. He's looked at her with this all encompassing gaze for so long and she has never, not once, stared back. She expected him to get tired, to give up, such a long ways back. But he didn't, he doesn't. Instead he persists and she still suffers. 

Because as long as he continues to gaze at her like that she can never be free. She can never let go of those feelings that are still reserved for him and only him. It's almost like a prison. She's simply at a stale mate, unable to move. If she tells him to leave her alone she'll have to finally talk to him, have to tell him why she can't have him staring at her anymore. But if she leaves it alone, if he continues to look at her with such expressions she might crack. She might never get over him. She might have these unrequited emotions towards him for the rest of her life. 

The next day when she's sitting at the kitchen table working on her biology review, earphones in, she feels it. The ever so familiar gaze of his and therefore her own feeling of repressed emotions as a side effect. Only she's decided she won't let him have this hold over her anymore. She finally looks up, mouth pursed and eyes only barely narrowed, her eyebrows are slightly raised and she is just daring him to mess with her. 

She thinks he's smart, that he must realize that her stance means that she's simply over this. She doesn't want to play this fucking game for the rest of her life, she can't. He only looks shocked like he expected for his longing looks to go completely unnoticed for the rest of time. 

He slides into the chair across from her cautiously, she really doesn't remember giving him an invitation to do so. His hands are folded nervously in front of him and every now and then he unclasps them to tug at a few stray strands of his hair that peak out from under his snapback.

Sana takes out her earphones slowly and sets them down on the table with a clatter. 

"Sana" 

She flinches. The way he says her name is synonymous with the way one says a prayer. He makes her feel as though she was the center of the universe merely by saying her name. 

"I'm so s-sorry." His voice cracks as he says sorry and Sana thinks her heart might break. 

That this broken boy sitting in front of her looks so breath-takingly beautiful and its crushing her. Her heart is beating so quickly and the careless, stoic look displayed upon her face is becoming so difficult to maintain. 

"Why?" She sounds so beyond broken, like the weight of the world has been on her shoulders for so long. 

"I-I don't know. She was there and I didn't think I could ever, ever have you, Sana. I loved you so much and she told me what you had said about me and I knew how stupid I had been, to think you could like me back."

The words are barely audible through his sobs, Sana can't help how she feels. It's pure instinct when she puts her hands on top of his, pulls the one hand wiping away tears from his face and clasping it in her own. She slowly wipes off the tears left on his face while still grasping his other hand in her own. There's a sort of buzz that comes when Sana touches him. This feeling that arises from the pit of her stomach. He stills, likely more suprised by Sana's actions than even she is. 

She absolutely hates how even just holding his hand makes her feel so safe, like nothing could ever hurt her. She doesn't dare look him in the eyes, knows that if she does she will see nothing less than his unwavering love towards her.

Such an intense love towards her that she will never know how to respond to. So she just grips his hand, focuses on his thumb that's slowly rubbing circles into own her hand.

When she closes her eyes she imagines themboth twenty years from now. He never kissed Noora, he never hurt her. It never happened.

_He told her how much he liked her and that he didn't care about their differing beliefs, that he only wanted her. He told her he loved her on their third date. She asked him to wait until they were married and he happily obliged.He proposed to her after she finished college. She got a job as a doctor and he worked as a teacher._

_They compromised on the number of children instead having four, not two or twelve. Yousef is there the whole time, holding Sana's hand through each labor. Getting more and more excited about starting his futbol team. Sana catches him singing to their baby in the middle of the night quite often. They eat dinner together every night as a family, play a completely over competitive game of futbol or basketball every day. They tell their children stories about how they fell in love._

_They grow old together, have to navigate the dangerous waters of raising children. They both comfort their daughter when she comes home one day after being made fun of for wearing her hijab. Sana watches with unwavering pride as Yousef comforts their crying daughter._

_They stand together as they watch their children graduate, one by one until their nest is empty._

_Sometimes they'll put music on and Yousef will convince her to dance. So they'll dance to some song that their children joke is ancient and Sana remembers all that led up to this. ___

__She thinks about this all, the life that they could have together, that they should've had together. If only, if only. Things could be different, if only things were different. Maybe they could've had that life. Maybe they could've had an even better life that what she could dream up. All the possibility, everything that could happen was so completely overwhelming. But she knew better. It can't happen, it won't happen._ _

__She lets go of his hands, gives him one last look. Then walks out of the kitchen._ _


End file.
